GROINK.NET

It doesn’t feel like almost a year since my last update, but it appears it is so.

More website redesign! I decided to try Hugo to generate this site versus running WordPress. I think it works pretty well and the theme I used and modified keeps in the spirit of the previous version. I’ve grown attached to my CGA graphics style blog. I was not growing attached to the bloat that WordPress incurs. Besides, I’ve got little need for a dynamic website when all I do is bitch once or twice a year, right? I did get rid of the “Other Notable Groinks” section because…fuck ’em! I’m the only Groink that matters.

When given the opportunity to write something, I invariably draw a blank. Far too much freedom. Especially when saddled with the anxiety of considering what other people may think. Do they like it? Is it trivial? Does it belie some aspect of myself that I’ve kept hidden away for fear of judgment?

I’ve spent a good deal of my life trying to be what other people want me to be. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. But it has left me this contorted, twisted semblance of a person. Bits and pieces patched together like a metaphysical Frankenstein’s monster, awkward and lumbering…naive. Every move, deliberate, thoroughly thought out and agonized over. Right leg forward, now left leg. Swing your arms. Nod and smile. Now laugh. Breathe.

I may vocally deny that that I’m pretty smart in most social and work settings, but in my gooey insides, I often smugly proclaim “I am so smart.” This sometimes conflicts with objective evidence to the contrary, and then my ego goes “owie!” and slinks away to lick its wounds. Do you like how I abstract away my ego when it suits me? Like it’s not at all a huge facet of my being.

Okay, maybe that’s a bit dramatic.

I don’t have any friends in meat-space.

That’s not quite true either, but I don’t want to define the relationship I have with that person as “friends” because I’m not sure if they think that way, although we are “friendly”. Maybe we are growing into friends, but perhaps it’s too soon to say. I will find some way of sabotaging it eventually, so let’s not count that.

I was trying to remember what internal crisis I was inducing last night. Then I remembered this morning: today is the last day of my very lovely two week vacation. Which means that tonight when I lay my head to rest for the night, it will be filled with an onslaught of thoughts about work, the issues that I left behind before vacation, how to solve them, how I am really just a very mediocre technology worker, and probably a few dreams about my teeth falling out, missing a final exam, or being naked while looking for my 4th period classroom.